It has been said that the one thing that humans are searching for is connection. If we have one secure connection in our lives with another human being, we feel loved, we feel we belong, we feel connected. In my work I see people searching for love, those who have lost love and those who are seeking to revive or maintain their love-relationship. Kings have been known to give up their thrones for love! Some will die for it. So, what is love? You can’t scoop it up and put it in a wheelbarrow, unlike a chair or mobile phone. As we say in NLP terms – it’s a nominalisation.
When I work with clients who want love in their lives I begin by ascertaining what their idea of love is. Vast amounts of clients will tell me love is a feeling – an emotion. And, of course, it is. We may feel warm or happy, or pure joy when we think of those we love. However, surely love is actually a verb too.
Working with couples, I sometimes hear a spouse say they don’t feel loved by their partner, only to then hear that partner insist they do indeed love their other half! When I ask how that person has loved their partner today, they will often say “I love the way she/he makes me laugh,” or perhaps, “I love the way she/he makes me feel” or “I love their mind, their intellect”. The spouse will often protest at this point and say “But I don’t feel loved by you!” Sometimes we miss the point – love is a verb and our partner may know you feel love for them but want you to demonstrate love – to “do” love.
How do we experience or demonstrate love with our children? Is it enough to “feel” love? Certainly not. We have to “do” love by setting limits, boundaries and routines. We have to “do” love even when we don’t feel particularly loving towards our children, perhaps at a point when your child has tested you from dawn to dusk and you feel at breaking point with stress and exhaustion. We still have to “do” love, even when we don’t feel the love at that moment.
Some of the most loving people I know, aren’t “in love”! They feel no strong love attachment to those they are loving to, but they demonstrate love none-the-less.
Is love unconditional? This is another question my clients often ask. Some assume love is unconditional in love-relationships and yet struggle to know why it doesn’t feel unconditional sometimes. We know that love for a child by their parents has to be unconditional for the child to fully develop, feel secure and attach to the parent. This then enables healthy relationships for the child throughout their life, including with themselves. However, many couples in relationships will ask me about unconditional love in an adult, one-to-one relationship. Is there such a thing?
We can love someone unconditionally, and, at the same time, have boundaries in our relationships. Perhaps loving unconditionally doesn’t always mean staying in that relationship. For instance, if you love your partner….would it be ok for your partner to, say, have affairs or, perhaps, hit you, or, to help themselves to your bank account without asking? There, surely, have to be boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are conditions. So, relationships are conditional. At least, healthy ones. One could argue, of course, that boundary setting is love. Perhaps love can be unconditional but perhaps relationships, when they are healthy, are conditional. Complicated, uh?!
If you wish to work on your relationship, please feel free to contact me.
When I work with clients who want love in their lives I begin by ascertaining what their idea of love is. Vast amounts of clients will tell me love is a feeling – an emotion. And, of course, it is. We may feel warm or happy, or pure joy when we think of those we love. However, surely love is actually a verb too.
Working with couples, I sometimes hear a spouse say they don’t feel loved by their partner, only to then hear that partner insist they do indeed love their other half! When I ask how that person has loved their partner today, they will often say “I love the way she/he makes me laugh,” or perhaps, “I love the way she/he makes me feel” or “I love their mind, their intellect”. The spouse will often protest at this point and say “But I don’t feel loved by you!” Sometimes we miss the point – love is a verb and our partner may know you feel love for them but want you to demonstrate love – to “do” love.
How do we experience or demonstrate love with our children? Is it enough to “feel” love? Certainly not. We have to “do” love by setting limits, boundaries and routines. We have to “do” love even when we don’t feel particularly loving towards our children, perhaps at a point when your child has tested you from dawn to dusk and you feel at breaking point with stress and exhaustion. We still have to “do” love, even when we don’t feel the love at that moment.
Some of the most loving people I know, aren’t “in love”! They feel no strong love attachment to those they are loving to, but they demonstrate love none-the-less.
Is love unconditional? This is another question my clients often ask. Some assume love is unconditional in love-relationships and yet struggle to know why it doesn’t feel unconditional sometimes. We know that love for a child by their parents has to be unconditional for the child to fully develop, feel secure and attach to the parent. This then enables healthy relationships for the child throughout their life, including with themselves. However, many couples in relationships will ask me about unconditional love in an adult, one-to-one relationship. Is there such a thing?
We can love someone unconditionally, and, at the same time, have boundaries in our relationships. Perhaps loving unconditionally doesn’t always mean staying in that relationship. For instance, if you love your partner….would it be ok for your partner to, say, have affairs or, perhaps, hit you, or, to help themselves to your bank account without asking? There, surely, have to be boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are conditions. So, relationships are conditional. At least, healthy ones. One could argue, of course, that boundary setting is love. Perhaps love can be unconditional but perhaps relationships, when they are healthy, are conditional. Complicated, uh?!
If you wish to work on your relationship, please feel free to contact me.